Red Team

for long time now i have thought about what it is that we are doing in hot lonely desert by selves. we are guarding buildings but i do not know what buildings are actually for doing. i think that they were meant to store things because there is lots of space and big empty rooms all over place and i suppose that the train tracks are for moving big boxes? i have never seen train though. maybe first train will bring the boxes into the buildings for us to guard them and we are just waiting for very slow train?

hurry up box train! i am waiting to see why so many friends are killed. boxes must be veeeery important to make so many friends go away to long nap in the breakroom in sky. i hope whatever in boxes is worth it. in home country people die waiting for boxes too but that was because boxes not get there in time. it why i leave and come to new home country. now i do not have to wait for food boxes or bullet boxes and they appear all the time when i need them.

then why does box train take so long? maybe i have wrong idea and buildings are for other thing. what do you think? and why would blu team want to break buildings?

Yo Engineer,

Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time, or the five MILLION other freakin’ times after that? What’s the matter? Is your head busted? Are you retarded or something? When your team mates ask you for help, you better give it to ‘em pal. You need to freakin’ listen to us so we can work together and do our fricken jobs! I mean, really, why am I even talking to you? You just have NO FREAKIN’ IDEA what you’re doing do you Engineer? Has it ever occurred to you to take my advice? I’m an expert too ya know, I was hired because I am the BEST at what I do. THE BEST. You think you can do what I do? I’m tellin’ ya paly, if you tried to do what I was doing you’d have both of your little legs blasted clean off by shrapnel in five seconds flat. Right out the entry gates. Five freakin’ seconds. Seriously.

So you think maybe you can ignore me? Not pay attention to my freakin’ awesome advice? Well screw you man. You need to listen and listen good, or there’s gonna be trouble. Don’t make me say it again, hard hat. I’ve almost had it with you. I’m getting twitchy and I don’t know if I can control myself. Get the point, paly?

Now. For the last FREAKING time!

NEED. A. DISPENSER. HERE.

Fricken moron.

Gentlemates,
I just thought that I would say a quick Australian "Good day" to everyone while I find myself in the operations room in the centre of Red Base. Recently I have found my time here very stressful and isolating. Even though I am surrounded by Red Team members I often feel separate and somehow distant from my colleagues. I believe this is the fate of all snipers, which is clearly what my purpose here is, given my larger than normal rifle and silly hat.

It may be, perhaps, that I am spending too long alone in my hiding places and vantage points while admirably performing my duties. I wonder if the others in Red Team feel this way? It is difficult to speak about such a delicate subject, especially with certain team mates whose idea of conversation can be summarised as 'shouting until you leave or someone gets stabbed'. With luck this feeling will simply pass by silently and stealthily in the near future.

As always, grazie for remaining still (buffoons),
- Sniper

A heartfelt hello to everyone viewing this remote corner of the world wide web. It is good to once more be able to sit down upon Engineer's ergonomic chair and feel my hands dance across this most comfortable of text input devices. The keys spring back up after each delicate press of a finger, almost as if they were screaming to be pushed once more into the waiting arms of the keyboard's plastic body.

Being kept away from such a convenient and accessible form of expression has weighed heavily on my mind these recent days. Our tiring schedule of defence and offence has served to keep all free time at bay while I focused my mind on the combustion and piercing of our fellow man, a truly gruesome and perilous task. However, the constant struggle for survival, the ever-present threat of a premature demise has always been one of my most vital sources of inspiration, and looking back on the last few rounds of my daily battle I cannot help but feel compelled to put digits to keyboard.

Heavy's poetry, too, has inspired my a little. Seeing his joy at discovering which words rhyme in a language that is not his own reminded me of what fun can be had with verse and prose. I wish him the best of luck in his future endeavours, and look forwards to seeing more of his elegantly simple text.

A commenter on Heavy's poem suggested that Haiku's would be a good next step in his training, and I will try to explain them to him. Sadly I have no grasp of the Japanese language so I cannot create true Haiku which utilise a number of aspects of Japanese in their construction. The use of 5,7 and then 5 syllables is how the poetry form is defined in the west, but admittedly this is a simplification. I regret not understanding the full scope of the Haiku, but I hope that as I attempt to create a small number I can capture at least some of what makes them such wonderful encapsulations of ideas, traditionally of eternity and the seasons.

“Round Two, Start” by Pyro

A small spark lit up
Danced across the fuel line
Became inferno

A gift received
Moments of bright light and pain
Now it is over

Another round comes
Medic prepare the Uber
They will come again

I taking lessons from pyro about his poetry and wanted to try. i have many things in head that i want to share with outside world and pyro says that rhyming poems are best way to do this so i try. i typing much faster now becuase i practice on keypad door locks around base. engineer says i must stop but it only chance heavy gets! i can enter own code in no time now to open many doors.

a poem with ryhmes by heavy

sasha is my favorite gun
she is big and heavy and weighs a tonne
she shoot many bullets at stupid foes
as if my mighty fist had punched through nose
puny blu are all magget scum
they attack us all time but they are dumb!

ha ha ha! this is much fun. heavy will try more poems soon. i hope blu read this and see what i think of their puny team.

Gentlemates,

It has been quite a while since the Red team's last update, and on behalf of everyone I must apologise. I have been so busy sniping (with my large sniper rifle, which I am always seen holding) that I have not yet had a chance to inform the loyal readers of our progress.

It seems that some dashingly intelligent Spy on the BLU team has been able to access this journal and read our darkest secrets, using them against us to avoid the base defences and stab at the red team's prone and unprepared backs. As a result, Engineer has told us to cease our musings on mission critical data and use the journal only for 'safe' subjects.

I do not know what people could really talk about apart from their 'feelings' and idle gossip, but Pyro and Heavy did campaign quite strongly to be allowed to make some posts.

Now, I must return to my job here, which is snipering... Because I am Sniper, the most trustworthy and loyal member of Red Team. If you have any problems please come to me... If you can find me.

Greetings to you all once more, brave navigators of the internet. I apologise on behalf of my comrades and I for the lateness and scarcity of these online journal updates. We have just now finished rebuilding our outer defences and completing a full sweep of the facility to ensure that no stealthy, underhanded undercover agents from the Blu team have remained hidden in our lair. After checking every nook and cranny of our facility with my trusty flamethrower I am happy to report that the inner corridors are safe and that Sniper assures us that the more distant areas are free of Blu activity as well.

I’m sure Engineer will be updating you on his latest creations very soon as well. He has been hard at work endeavouring to build some kind of all-knowing thinking machine that will be able to identify Spies, understand the illogic hidden inside Soldier’s advice and apparently solve very complex puzzles and equations related to what Engineer told me was “A pressing problem in super-conducting physics on the macroscopic level”. I hope that he does well, as I rather enjoyed his previous creation before it became somewhat unpredictable and murderous.

Psychopathic automated defence system aside, I must also update you all on the new equipment which is on its way from the company head office as I type this. Apparently some fiendish scientist with a distinct lack of moral qualms about designing new and horrific weaponry has been producing an interesting kind of innovative napalm spewing device for me to try out! I must confess I’m so very excited about all of this!

Soon I will not only have the chance to watch hot, scorching flames dance across the flesh of my enemies, roasting them alive in their useless, bulky body armour, but I will be helping the progress of science too! Just think, without having to take part in a university course or advanced training in a technical subject I will be adding to the total of human knowledge while I work. Are science and the modern age not wonderful?

While I have a chance to sit and relax at this computer terminal I must take time to thank you all for your kind words in relation to my first poem, ‘Entropy’. I did not expect such a friendly welcome on the world wide web, which according to various news sources is filled with “Anonymous hackers on steroids” that persecute less internet-savvy people such as myself. I am afraid that I have not had time to work on any new prose or short stories with my busy schedule but perhaps if Engineer’s new defence systems work as he claims they shall, I will be more able to think on a few ideas that I have had.

Good day once again Gentlemates,

I am Sniper, posting to speak of the events that unfolded here but a few days ago. As you have no doubt heard from Heavy the Blues were able to enter the compound and to pierce all of Engineer’s wonderfully located defences. I do not know how these outer layers were bypassed, but I suspect that the intelligent, cunning, and in all likelihood handsome Blue Spy was able to help the oafish buffoons to navigate their way through the maze of deadly traps and surprises.

I arrived at the infirmary after the rest of my Red comrades had been taken prisoner and the Blue Soldier was gloating about his victory (even if it was entirely due to the courageous actions of their team’s Spy, without whom they would all have been gunned down before they could have even seen Red base). He claimed the base as his own, which of course I was heart broken about. What could I, a sniper trained for long ranged combat, possibly hope to do in such close quarters? I was quite ready to abandon the base in return for my Red friends’ lives (I believe that is what they would have wanted) when I noticed that the impressively ignorant Blue Medic was holding what appeared to be a small rabbit in his evil clutches.

Knowing that the Blue team are made of the lowest wretches of society (unlike my fine nation of Australia, whose main exports include coal, koalas and good cheer) I was concerned for Flopsy’s safe keeping and requested that they take me instead, if they desired a hostage.

The fiends refused and I lunged forward daringly, willing to give my life without hesitation to rescue a fellow Red team member, even if they are a mere herbivorous rodent. I was very fortunate that while I was distracting them so effectively Heavy arrived, no doubt drawn by the sound of my pleas and shouts to secure the rabbit’s safety.

Furthermore, I have finally been able to identify where Heavy was located all of this time and how he evaded all detection. As a Sniper I am well versed in Spy techniques, as I must know how to spot them from very far away, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it. In order to disguise themselves they must use a hastily drawn mask to create a perfect illusion, totally undetectable by all but the must observant eyes (such as my own).

When Heavy appeared I noticed that he was wearing what appeared to be a device of a similar form to a spy’s mask… except that in his hurry to emulate his sneaky foe he forgot to draw anything on the mask or indeed to create a pair of eye holes.

He was in the infirmary the entire time, disguised as nothing… It seems that Soldier’s advice was most ingenious after all.

Greetings tiny peoples! Heavy had wonderful time and killed many nasty Blues! At first Heavy was hiding and it was very dark everywhere, but then I hear many shouts and many shots and Heavy RACE to rescue!!! 

I find comrades inside doktor’s office with many Blues. I was worried they hurt them pretty bad but I saw Sniper was there and he was holding small furry bunny. I not understand where bunny came from but apparently it is called ‘Flopsy’ and Sniper was holding it to keep safe from mean Blues. Sniper is so great! He takes care of everyone good and Flopsy is so so cute and small! She remind Heavy of little brother back in home country. On other hand, Sniper was surrounded by angry Blues and so I yelled “LOOK AT ALL THE TINY PEOPLE! I THOUGHT BLUES WOULD BE SENDING MEN!” to make sure they all looked at Heavy.

Engineer always say to yell and make people look at me instead of at other team mates. He say it is good strategy because I am taking much more hurt to stop. I laugh at other people’s itty bitty miniscule bullets. They do not hurt ME! I am bulletproof!!!

Blues turned around and tried to shoot, but they not be expecting Little Sasha! No one EXPECTS Little Sasha! She is BIG SURPRISE! AHAHAHA!!! I make blues cry and scream and run for their mommies! They cry lots when Sasha is around!

I am so proud of my Sasha. She did not jam or misfire at all and she fired as fast as I have ever seen her. No one make it away in single piece and Engineer say I cost Red company $750,000 in less than minute! HA! I do not have to pay this much money but I get to do it anyway! I love this country! I love Sasha and Red Team! I love this Doktor! I still so happy today thinking about it!

But it not all good news I afraid. While I was being sneaky and quiet and in the darkness I did not find Blue Spy. I also sure I did not shoot him in the doktor’s office. Medic look at all the dead peoples and he say none of them are spy. I still need to find Spy to make team safe! I think I will come up with new plan though. Being sneaky did not work, even if it did surprise Blue team just like Soldier said it would. Thank you Soldier! I get many kills with your help!

Have a nice day everyone. Engineer says I can take few days off to celebrate big victory and I am going to explore this country more. A few miles down road they have ‘Worlds largest [Censored]’ and I will not be missing this! I love this country!

[Engineer’s note: Sorry to have to censor that bit out but we can’t be havin’ no one finding our base. Blues found it, but we wouldn’t want any o’ those Greens attacking us as well now would we?]

Howdy y’all,

Been a while since I typed anything on this contraption, but that’s on account o’ so much been happenin’! I’m sure everyone’ll wanna be tellin’ their part of the story soon enough but I just thought I’d give y’all a little heads up before I start workin’ on mah own little explaination.

Sadly, as a result o’ the last few days mah little turret was put outta commission. It’s a cryin’ shame the little guy had to leave us so soon but his memory (and more importantly his software updates) will live on in future builds.

While I work on fixin’ up mah next sentry I think Heavy is itching to go… Let’s see if’n the microphone works this time.